I’ve recently received some inside information about Obama’s vetting of Vice Presidential candidates. Most of the tips came from a source inside the campaign who only talked when assured of anonymity. He was referred to as “Deep Hyperbole” (he is given to exaggeration).

Originally, we’re told that the vetting team (Jim Johnson, Caroline Kennedy, and Eric Holder) started with a rather long list of possible suspects – something in the order of 78 names. It was later pared down when it was learned that some of the “list compilers” had worked in democrat voter drives in Chicago and consequently the list included some suspicious names like “I.P. Freely,” “Seymour Wiener,” “Hugh G. Rection,” and at least twenty-two dead people.

Now that Jim Johnson has resigned, Kennedy and Holder have been furiously gathering information about the remaining prospects. The vetting process was slowed a bit last week when Kennedy’s Oldsmobile accidentally missed a bridge, ran off the road and into Eurine Creek, outside of Hankpanky, Ohio. Fortunately, Mr. Holder had attended a workshop on “breath holding,” and managed to survive until rescued by a roving band of Dykes on Bikes. Ms. Kennedy was relieved to learn of Mr. Holder’s narrow escape when she called 911 for help the following day. Mr. Holder now brings scuba gear when traveling with Ms. Kennedy, “just in case.”

Some remaining on the “short list” are the names that we’d expect to see, such as: Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, Al Gore, etc. But a few are not so well known.

Rep. Cliff Notes (Ohio) must be considered a dark horse, but his resume includes “Audio/Visual Club Organizer,” which is known to impress Obama. Additionally, he has only been a member of Congress for 130 days which is another plus. Like Obama, his work history is unsullied by excessive experience.

Two candidates were suggested by Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who although at odds with Obama, is still committed to helping his former parishioner.

Mfume Mfumoo earned Rev. Wright’s respect when in his professional capacity as a chicken whisperer, helped many wayward chickens come home to roost. He has attended Trinity United for ten years and, like Obama, doesn’t remember ever hearing one of Rev. Wright’s vile sermons (he usually has his iPod on, listening to inspirational rap from “Fitty” Cent and Ludicrius).

The other suggestion by Rev. Wright is also a long shot. A “sister” in both a literal and figurative sense, it is Sister Mary Oprah, an African-American nun who ministered to orphan goats in Kenya. She formed the first halfway house for goat herders in Nairobi where she helped many herders overcome unrequited love for their “significant” goat. She later moved to Chicago and has been romantically linked to Fr. Michael Pfleger who found that a nun, without her habit, was more fun than a choir boy. If they’re caught un-frocked, they could both be de-frocked.

A name that has recently received much attention is Sen. Ted Kennedy. Sen. Kennedy would bring several strengths to a ticket: his Bahston whiteness would counter Sen. Obama’s blackness, his bulk would offset Obama’s slim physique, his wealthy aloofness would appeal to rich people, and his heroic efforts to save Mary Jo Kopechne add to his appeal as a true hero. Unfortunately, in response to any of the team’s questions, Sen. Kennedy only responds “dos Dewars, por favor … *burp*.”

Of course, Sen. Hillary Clinton has to be one of the front runners. Even though to some, she is genetically “indeterminate,” she is generally regarded as female and could appeal to women whose husbands think that they’ve gotten away with affairs until a sharp blade relieves them of “Mr. Happy.” Obama does know how to get along with a strong woman (i.e., Michelle); he simply cowers and wets himself. It would be humiliating for the President to become known as a “MINO” (Man In Name Only).

And Sen. John Kerry has “reported for duty.” A member of the Foreign Relations committee, he would bring gravitas to the ticket and has a military background. To bolster his record as a decorated veteran, he has applied (retroactively) to USDOD for three more Purple Hearts for wounds received before was discharged, those incidents are “seared” in his memory. Records show that he burned two fingers while “toking up” in late December, 1968, he received a large splinter in the buttockal region from a bizarre outhouse incident in January of 1970, and in April, 1970, while in an airport men’s room, a very large man stepped on his right foot which had “accidentally” moved over into the next stall, badly bruising the pinkie-toe.

Another name mentioned was Rep. E. Knee Miney, a first term representative from Alabama. Rep. Miney has the prerequisite slim resume, but was a successful businessman who founded the Tuskegee Hairman, a chain of toupee shops. He has been a very prolific bundler for Sen. Obama and has generated sizeable contributions for the campaign, including over $4.4 million from the Sisters of Perpetual Poverty and $2,412,088 from a Buddist Monk temple in California.

The final name on the short list (and perhaps Obama’s favorite) is William Ayers. Obama is known to savor Bernardine Dohrn’s collard greens and sushi. While Ayers does have a number of negatives, Obama is known to respect his expertise in explosives and thinks Ayers is “da bomb.” Ayers is also an expert Marxman. According to Ayers, he and Berrnardine came to the realization that they could do more damage to the country from within the system than on the outside. Thus, Ayers has become mainstream and is now a professor of education, passing on “proper” political ideas to college students.

Obama may be convinced that he can slip one by the voters and nominate his kindred spirit to help him fix our broken country. If nominated, Ayers has agreed to change his first name to “Pungent”, his mother’s maiden name, to hide his true identity.

Obama’s legal team is also investigating whether there is “controlling legal authority” preventing him from holding both President and Vice President positions concurrently. He has suggested that he could wear a black Chicago Bears cap when he is acting as the President and a white White Sox cap when he was Vice President. That way anyone could tell in which capacity he was acting. “Brilliant!” was the unanimous verdict of his staff. “See, now I’m the prez.” On went the black cap, “and now I’m the veep,” switching caps. “Now the prez, now the veep, now the prez, now the veep.” His staff marveled at the pure genius of the idea – it really illustrates the massive intellect at work here.